Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
