We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
