and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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