Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
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