you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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