hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
