I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
