Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
