I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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