it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
