He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
