Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
