You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
