I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
