Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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