Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
