Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
