you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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