Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
