Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
