Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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