bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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