So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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