I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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