The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
