Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
