This is not my ceiling
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
