can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
