I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
