i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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