Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
