i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
