I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
