I think I won the penis lottery.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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