um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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