Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
