We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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