I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
