I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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