the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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