i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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