apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
