Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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