Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
