Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
