got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
