There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
