I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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