I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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