By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
