Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
