Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
