Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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