Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
