new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
